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Although we will never discriminate on race, creed, gender, sexual orientation or anything else that would make us seem politically incorrect, Marketing Director Megan Garden will be strictly enforcing a new policy of hiring people on the basis of their names.

“We’ve consistently hired people with the same names for some time now, and it’s working out really well for us. We’re up to pairs of Davids, Ashleys, Joes and even three Beths as we speak. It’s like the employment version of economies of scale - the more Beths, or Lisas, or whoever you have, the lower the cost of employment. Up until a certain point that is - it’s a bell curve, really.

“For instance, ‘name twins,’ like identical twins, are born with telepathic powers. Take the Joe Bros, Joe Morgan and Joe Istas, for example. We have them developing our WebReady platform together, because they don’t even need to talk to do so, let alone open a gchat window. It saves us time, money and, let’s be honest, it’s really cool.”

Unfortunately, not everyone has found his or her name partner yet. Those without twins feel distraught, and have yet to find their lives’ purpose.

“Usually there are at least four Sara(h)s wherever I go, and it’s weird to not have that kind of connection with someone here. Not only is it really hurting my productivity, it’s hindering my growth as a person,” sighed Content Writer, Sara Heins. “Seriously, though. It’s been the most popular girl’s name for the past few decades. How the hell is there only one of me here?”

People who haven’t found their coworking better halves yet include: Tyler, Amy, Sara, Dan, Drew, Austin, Peter, Shannon, Stephanie, Megan, Amanda, Chris, Matt, Natalie, Alex, James, Tim, Jodi, William, Eric, Alyssa and Abby.

Still want to work at Red Nova Labs, but your name isn’t on the preferred-hire list? We are willing to interview you on one condition: simply bring someone who is qualified for another position with you who has the same name as yourself. You can even interview together, “Step Brothers”-style. Tuxedos not required, but appreciated.